I am not sure who reads this blog or who can relate. But I
am a big perfectionist. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that. But it’s
also something I am trying to change. While perfection sometimes has a positive
connotation, perfectionism can become deeply rooted in the way one thinks and
lives, and causes them to strive to meet impossibly high standards- usually
self imposed. As we know, perfection is unattainable, so as standards aren’t
met, they continue to strive, and grow increasingly frustrated.
I write this in the third person but it is something that
rings deeply true for me.
The past few weeks have been filled with a new job, starting
a summer class, beginning my senior honors project, and realizing that
graduation is fast approaching. This, of course means scary decisions about
grad school, careers, and life. And as fear taps my shoulder, the perfectionist
response is to try harder. Strive more.
This makes me think of tangled jewelry: tightly wound,
knotted chains. That might seem random but bear with me… I picture a mess like
this:
 |
| source |
 |
| source |
I think it is safe to say that most women (and maybe men, to
avoid stereotypes!) have encountered a tangled chain or two in their life. Usually
when you are in a hurry, of course.
Trying to untangle the chains sometimes leads to pulling
tighter- because the harder you work at the “problem” the faster it will be
solved. Right? In this case, wrong. Pulling on the chains makes it worse,
tightens the knot, and increases the tangle.
When you let the chains relax and work on one section at a time, the
knot loosens. The necklace comes free.
I am beginning to see and believe that striving doesn’t fix
the problem at all. It just makes it worse. I’m not saying it’s bad to have
goals and expectations for yourself. I think they are somewhat essential. But it is also essential to make sure they
are reasonable. Are the expectations driven by what you really value or are
they driven by habit?
To my fellow perfectionists, when your world starts to feel
chaotic, act opposite to the tendency to try harder and strive higher. Relax,
work on small areas at a time. Loosen the knot; don’t make it worse.
Now, some other advice I am trying to embrace:
 |
| source |
 |
| source |
Can you relate to any of this? Do you believe that a problem can be solved by actually trying less?
Megan,
ReplyDeleteThis rings deeply true for me as well. It is part of my life that I am recently working to overcome (or rather, as you mentioned, get control of- it does have its benefits at times!) as it has caused me bouts of anxiety and really thrown up some significant blockades in my life.
You are SO right, and I love your metaphor with the tangled jewelry. As perfectionists, the more we TRY to get control, we spin deeper into our own perfectionism, because when we are TRYING to get control and we CAN'T get control, it adds one more thing to the plate to blame ourselves for - "Why can't you do better?"
One of the first big steps for me was admitting my own perfectionism. A kind of moment where you say "Hi my name is (insert name), and I am a perfectionist." I think I have always known that I am a perfectionist, but I had no idea the extent to which it was affecting almost every aspect of my life, and starting to knock me down more than it propelled me forward. It took a while for me to truly admit to myself the extent of my perfectionism, rather than letting the perfectionism itself take over, saying "No, you can handle it, you can do better."
Once you are totally aware of your perfectionism and how deeply it affects you, which it seems you are, you have to kind of take a step back and be and outside observer to the thoughts that are going through your head, instead of getting caught up in them. This seems strange, but it's a good first step - as soon as I start to feel that something isn't going the way I want it to, I stop myself and say "You are worrying that this isn't perfect. It's ok if it isn't perfect."
The next big key is that when you catch yourself in a moment of perfectionist thinking, you can't think "STOP THAT!" This only creates more negativity, and is another cause of the spiral downward. Rather, you have to forgive yourself, take a moment to breathe, and TRUST that everything is going to turn out right. The only thing making you think that something isn't perfect is your own head, so change the negativity to positivity, and allow trust in yourself. "Trust" has become a big word for me in moments of worry. You may find this word works for you as well, or you may find another word that speaks to you personally even better.
ReplyDeleteI recently attended a flute workshop that was all about body/mind centering in regard to performance, but it really helped me in this "perfectionist" aspect of my life. We talked about how doing a "good job" is not something realistic, not something meaningful. If someone tells you "good job," what does that really mean? But what you can do is focus on putting your full intention into each moment, rather than striving for the gold star at the end. Because if you're trying for the gold star at the end, and your only intention is to get the gold star, chances are what you did along the way was meaningless. Think about it this way: if you're writing a paper, and all you care about is getting an A, that is all you're going to think about while writing the paper, criticizing yourself the whole way for what isn't good enough to get you the A, and you probably won't learn very much. However, if you write the paper focusing on the topic at hand, learning as much as you can about it and putting passion into it, then chances are that your time spent writing the paper will be more meaningful, and because you put sincere work into it, you will get the A anyway, without worrying about it along the way. This whole concept may be a little confusing at first, but if you give it time to sink in, it really comes to light, and can help you to change your perspective from striving all the time to be perfect, to living each moment with realness and passion, and reaping the benefits from there instead.
The biggest point is to change the word TRY to the word ALLOW or TRUST or giving yourself PERMISSION. As you so beautifully stated, TRYING only creates more pressure, more reason to blame yourself, and the knot pulls tighter. If you focus on what you really value and putting all of your efforts into making the most out of what you value, you get everything else for free.
Thank you so much for posting this, I read it at just the moment I needed it. It is so helpful to reach out to others who feel the same as
I do, and who can share their helpful thoughts. I hope that some of the things I said help you as much as they have helped me!
Apologies that my response was so long! I had to post it as two separate comments!
-Kim Lewis
Kim, I loved reading your comment, hearing from you, and like you said, knowing that someone can relate. I am glad that you are also starting to challenge this way of thinking and living that puts up blockades in life. I agree that being an outside observer is helpful- it puts things into perspective- that some of the things we worry about are just unnecessary. Also, focusing on learning rather than grades is something else I am really working on. It's not easy though!! Keep in touch, and keep TRUSTING, ALLOWING, and giving yourself PERMISSION. Another one of my favorite quotes is, "I will hold myself to a standard of GRACE, not perfection."
Delete