I am not sure who reads this blog or who can relate. But I
am a big perfectionist. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that. But it’s
also something I am trying to change. While perfection sometimes has a positive
connotation, perfectionism can become deeply rooted in the way one thinks and
lives, and causes them to strive to meet impossibly high standards- usually
self imposed. As we know, perfection is unattainable, so as standards aren’t
met, they continue to strive, and grow increasingly frustrated.
I write this in the third person but it is something that
rings deeply true for me.
The past few weeks have been filled with a new job, starting
a summer class, beginning my senior honors project, and realizing that
graduation is fast approaching. This, of course means scary decisions about
grad school, careers, and life. And as fear taps my shoulder, the perfectionist
response is to try harder. Strive more.
This makes me think of tangled jewelry: tightly wound,
knotted chains. That might seem random but bear with me… I picture a mess like
this:
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I think it is safe to say that most women (and maybe men, to
avoid stereotypes!) have encountered a tangled chain or two in their life. Usually
when you are in a hurry, of course.
Trying to untangle the chains sometimes leads to pulling
tighter- because the harder you work at the “problem” the faster it will be
solved. Right? In this case, wrong. Pulling on the chains makes it worse,
tightens the knot, and increases the tangle.
When you let the chains relax and work on one section at a time, the
knot loosens. The necklace comes free.
I am beginning to see and believe that striving doesn’t fix
the problem at all. It just makes it worse. I’m not saying it’s bad to have
goals and expectations for yourself. I think they are somewhat essential. But it is also essential to make sure they
are reasonable. Are the expectations driven by what you really value or are
they driven by habit?
To my fellow perfectionists, when your world starts to feel
chaotic, act opposite to the tendency to try harder and strive higher. Relax,
work on small areas at a time. Loosen the knot; don’t make it worse.
Now, some other advice I am trying to embrace:
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Can you relate to any of this? Do you believe that a problem can be solved by actually trying less?
